I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
