I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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