ya dads aren't the best wingmen
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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