maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
