Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm getting married
To pizza
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
