Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
