I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
