i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
