in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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