At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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