she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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