All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
