you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
