God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
