I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have aggressive nipples.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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