im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
