my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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