Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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