operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
