I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
