I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
