Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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