i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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