i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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