My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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