So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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