This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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