I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize