can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
