Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize