put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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