I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
