Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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