I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize