I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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