I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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