Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
