I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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