Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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