I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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