omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
