Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
