I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
