Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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