did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
