Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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