Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
