I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
