I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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