you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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