Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
