I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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