I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
