He uses pillows to masturbate.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
