Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
