We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
