So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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