whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
