I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize