Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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