proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Dignity is for republicans.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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