it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
