its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
