in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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