I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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