also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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