The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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