flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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